Goodbye is the Hardest Word to Say
by DancingPhalangess
Summary: Jessica is distraught after the death of her baby son, but what will it all mean for her and Adam's relationship? One shot.


******I have a plot bunny, so am going to write it down. One shot. Really this time, I've said that about all my fics so far and they have always became full stories, but I am working on something else. I may write a full one at some point, but it'll be something different. Anyway, enough of my rambling now, the plot bunnies are biting, on with the story. **

Jessica sat at the kitchen table, twiddling her fingers and biting her lip, trying to work up the courage for what she was about to do. She was careful not to look at Adam, if she did, she might break down and not go through with it, and she had to. She needed to do this to survive. _It wasn't supposed to end this way, _Jess thought miserably. _We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. _But they couldn't. Not now. Not since…

"Shall we have something to eat?" Jess jumped as Adam's voice sounded from the other side of the kitchen. She said nothing, just continued to stare into her lap, struggling desperately to hold back the tears. Jessica heard the fridge door open, and Adam begin to rifle through its contents. He was either oblivious to her mood and the atmosphere or just deliberately ignoring both. That was just like Adam, to pretend like everything was fine, even when things clearly couldn't be more wrong.

Jess took a deep breath, but it caught in her throat and instead all she did was make a small gasping noise. Adam heard the sound and finally he turned to face his wife. "What would you like?" He asked, ignoring the tears that had started to leak down Jessica's face.

"Adam," Jess said, quietly, her voice breaking. She couldn't do this to him, especially not now. But for herself, she couldn't stay. The last time she had tried to stay in a marriage for someone that wasn't herself, she had ended up desperately unhappy and it had almost cost her the children and man she loved.

However, Adam wasn't making it easy for her. He acted as if she hadn't spoke, and continued to recite the contents of the fridge to her, as if any of it actually mattered right then. "Adam please," Jess sobbed, tears now streaming freely down her cheeks, creating tracks for others to flow down. Finally, Adam acknowledged that everything was not in fact OK.

"Don't do this," he whispered, as if he knew what she planned to tell him next. Jess drew a breath and turned to look at him, as she did so, she realised that he did know. He knew her better than he knew herself, which meant keeping anything from him was never going to happen. He could always see when there was something wrong, even if he often chose to ignore it.

"I'm sorry, I have to." Jess dropped her eyes away from Adam's; she couldn't stand to see the pain in them as she broke his heart. She had seen enough of that in these past few weeks.

Jess clasped her hands tightly in her lap as more tears dripped from her eyes and splashed onto her skin. She didn't want to leave Adam. She loves this man more that she had ever loved anyone, except perhaps her kids. Certainly more than she had ever loved Sean, her first husband. She had started to date Sean when she was a practicing nurse. He had worked on the same ward as her and had tried to convince her to go on a date with him for months before she agreed. It had been her mother that had brought them together; she had told Jess totally out of the blue and calmly that she had six months to live. It had made Jess realise that life was so scarce and could be snatched away in an instant. The next day, she asked Sean out for a coffee and hadn't even given him a chance to answer before walking away. She knew what he would say; this was the same man who had been chasing her for weeks.

That first date with Sean was nice. Jess had enjoyed herself, but she had never actually felt anything more than friendship with her date. She hoped that in time, all that would change and she would grow to love this man as he obviously loved her. Her mother however was less than pleased; she saw her daughter's unhappiness in being with Sean and often would encourage her to dump him. One night, after yet another date where Jessica still found she felt nothing more than friendship for the man she was supposed to love, Jess decided to do just that. She would tell Sean the next day when she saw him at work. She would ask to talk to him alone and tell him their relationship was over.

The next day, she kept to her word and asked Sean if they could speak in private, but that was as far as she got in keeping her word. Rather than dumping him, Jessica found herself telling Sean she was pregnant. She had been feeling unwell for a few weeks, and a test that morning after yet another bout of sickness had confirmed it. She was going to have Sean's child. So she had done what was right by Sean and the child and stuck with him. It wasn't as if she didn't love him, she did, he was kind to her and always a gentleman, she just didn't love him in the way she should. By this point, Jess doubted she ever would.

After that, Sean insisted they married and Jess didn't try to resist. She went along with the wedding plans and tried not to think of the life she was now stuck in. Her mother had died shortly after that, and although she had never said it, Jess knew her mother was disappointed in her when she passed away. She was ashamed that her daughter never had the guts to break free from a life she didn't want, just like she would have done.

It was only when Adam came into her life that Jess saw a light at the end of the tunnel. A torch shinning down into the damp, dark pit she had fallen into. They had met in a bar, and although Jess wasn't usually someone to go in for one night stands, she had asked Adam to take her home after just a few moments. It was the first time she had ever done such a thing, but she knew instantly that something was different. Her best friend, Linda, was always having one night stands with all sorts of blokes, and from the way she described them, Jess gathered they didn't involve four hour conversations and mugs of hot chocolate, as Jess' night with Adam had done.

Going home to Sean that night was the hardest thing Jess had ever done. After having a glimpse of the sun, sneaking back under the rock was almost impossible, but for her children, she did it. She went back home and acted as if nothing had happened, she smiled at the right moments and talked to the kids and Sean as if nothing was different, but it was and it was something Jess couldn't ignore. Especially not when she found herself working with Adam, being so close to him everyday, and even some nights if that was when their shifts fell.

Eventually, the both gave in to the burning passion and love that they had felt for each other since that first night at the bar. Making love to Adam was so different to how it was with Sean. With her husband, it was awkward and messy and Jess always found herself wishing it was over before it had even began. With Adam however, Jess felt something she had never before felt with Sean or anyone else. It was only when she was with Adam that she realised why it was called _making love. _

When Jessica had discovered she was pregnant yet again, she knew there was every chance it wasn't Sean's. She also knew that she could share this with no one else. She would have to tell Sean and Adam alike that the baby was her husband's. Although Sean had never been physically violent, he was controlling and over the years Jess had grown to almost fear him, not knowing what he would make her do next. The day he found out the baby wasn't his and took her children to Saudi Arabia was a day Jess would never forget, it was burned in her mind forever. She could never remember feeling as helpless as she did that day when he daughter, Amelia, had turned her back on her mother and carried on arm in arm with her father, knowing that he was planning to take them away forever.

Nothing could compare to her joy when she finally got the children back, it was a feeling she had never experience before and she vowed there and then never to let anything risk them again, which for a while meant giving up Adam. Eventually though, Jess knew she was lying to herself and everyone else. Adam had a right to know whose the baby really was, how Jess really felt about him. She told him everything, and at first., he had wanted nothing to do with it. He told her the child wasn't his and he wanted no part. Well, he hadn't said that exactly, but these were the words Jess had heard, and after all she had given up to be with him, the hurt her more than she could ever say.

Her and Adam did get their moment of happiness in the end. He came round, told her he would be there for her and their child and then asked her to marry him. Jess had been unsure at first, but soon came to realise she had never wanted anything more and accepted his offer.

The day they married had started off the best of their lives, and ended the worst. After the accident, it had seemed everything was going to be OK. Until the death of their nine month year old son, Harry. He had seemed like he was getting better, Jessica was the one in danger, not him. But it turned out that the old saying, 'a life for a life', was a true one. As soon as Jess started to show signs of recovery, her son's condition had declined.

No words on the Earth could convey Jess' despair when she discovered her beautiful baby boy had been taken from her forever. It was worse than when Sean had taken Lucas and Amelia. Far worse. At least then she was sure in the knowledge that with Sean, they were safe. They were happy and alive. Although Jess hated Sean at the time and missed her children terribly, she knew that Sean would do nothing to hurt them. It was Jess he wanted to inflict pain upon, not his kids.

It was the death of Harry that made Jess come to the decision she had made now. The one she had to tell Adam. They couldn't be together. Although their relationship had brought Jess more joy than she ever thought possible, it had also brought more heartbreak than she knew existed. Every time she looked at her husband, she saw Harry. His face held so many memories for her, it was the same with her job. Jess knew she could stay with neither. So when her old friend, Linda, had re-appeared and asked Jess to come to America with her, Jess hadn't had to think twice before agreeing. Her bags were packed and her letter of resignation was in. All she had to do now was tell Adam, the love of her life, that she was leaving.

Why did it have to be so hard? Why did she have to love him? If it had been Sean, Jess would have had no trouble leaving. She had never loved Sean in the way she should, and after what he did, she couldn't even stand to look at him. Leaving Sean would have been no trouble, so why did doing the same to Adam make her feel as if she wasn't just leaving him, but herself too? Jess knew when she walked out of that door, she would never be whole again. There would be a huge gap in her life where Adam and harry should be, and no one could ever fill that gap. Ever.

"Adam, I love you. I really, really do. I have never felt about anyone the way I feel when I'm with you, but I can't stay. It's not you. It's..Harry, I can't stay here with all the memories. Every time I look at you I see him, he's here. In the ED, in this house, in me, in you. I can't escape. And if I ever want to move on I'm going to have to." Adam said nothing, he watched the tears pour quickly down Jess' face, drinking in every inch of her. He didn't want to forget anything. Not a single detail.

Slowly, Adam moved towards Jess, he stood so close to her that they were almost touching. Then he wiped away her tears with his hands and pushed back her hair.

"I know," was all he said before dropping his hands to her sides and stepping away. Jess knew this was his way of telling her it was OK. He was letting her go. She turned her head away and proceeded into the hallway, where her bags were already packed and waiting.

Jess bent down to pick up her bags, but before she had even touched them, she straightened up again and turned back to Adam. He had followed her into the hallway and was standing behind her, waiting for her to go. He wanted to watch her for every last moment so he could pin point the exact moment when she left him forever. Slowly, Jess took a few steps to cover the distance between them. Once close enough, she leaned forwards and kissed Adam full on the lips. He returned that kiss, desperate and hungry, he knew this was the last time he would kiss the women he loved.

Finally, Jess pulled away from the kiss and gave Adam one last, loving glance before turning away,. Picking up her bags and opening the door. She paused in the doorway for a few moments before taking a deep breath and continuing down the steps and into the awaiting taxi ready to drive her and her kids away from Adam, her heart and her soul into a new unknown life. Adam watched her go long after the taxi containing his life had turned the corner at the bottom of the road, taking his self with it.

Jess looped on arm around each of her children and whispered that she loved them as she struggled to hold back the salt tears that were threatening to spill. She couldn't let that happen, if it did, with no Adam to wipe them away, Jess knew she would never stop. As the taxi drove Jessica further and further away from her life as she knew it, she wondered if she was doing the right thing. Leaving Adam wasn't going to bring Harry back, but it was something she had to do to survive. If she stayed, she would only ever see Harry. He would be all she thought about, he would take over her body and her life and Jess couldn't let that happen. She had her other children to take care of.

To distract herself, Jess listened to the music that floated to her from the speakers in the front of the car. She didn't hear the words, she just let the tune wash over her as if it was Adam's voice that came from the radio and not some singer's. A tune she recognised broke through the fog in Jess' brain and penetrated into her mind. The words filled her ears and heart, making it impossible to think of anything else.

_'Quitting's out of the question, when it gets tough gotta fight some more.' _Jess had never liked the song, but now it pushed itself into her brain, forcing her to think over the words. That was exactly what she was doing, Quitting. Although Jess didn't want to admit it to herself, things were getting tough, so she was running away.

'_All you can do is make the best of it now, can't be afraid of the dark.' _It was those words that had the most effect on Jessica. The dark was certainly there, and she was caught in the middle of it. She was terrified. But she wasn't making the best of it. Adam was the best of it, he always had been and always would be. If it wasn't for him, Jess would never have known Harry at all, he would never have existed. And if it wasn't for Harry, Adam and Jess would have never had the chance they got at happiness. Jessica would still be miserable and married to Sean, who was slowly taking more and more control over her life. Maybe Harry's life had had a purpose, and now that purpose had been fulfilled, whoever had blessed them with this beautiful baby had wanted him back. Anyone who had ever met him would feel the same.

'_Just know that you're not in this lane alone, there's always a place in me you can call home.' _

Perhaps, rather than being the mountain stopping Jess from passing by, he was the rope that would get her over it. Whatever he was, Jess knew he would always be there for her, he would be her home, her refuge, the person she could go to when she wanted to hide from the world and just feel safe. Jess realised in that moment, that she wasn't running away from Adam because she reminded him of Harry, she was running away because she couldn't stand to lose him too.

**

Adam sat at the kitchen table, in the same spot that Jess had sat just half an hour ago. What had happened? How could everything be snatched away in just a few short weeks? First he had lost his son, his baby boy. Now Jess. He had known this was coming. Adam could tell from the way she pulled away from his every touch, by the way she wouldn't look him in the eye and refused to talk about anything she was feeling. She was distancing herself from him because she was so scared of getting too close. She didn't want to lose anyone else she loved, so she had left before he could leave her.

A sob escaped Adam's throat as he though of all he had lost. Harry was bad enough, he couldn't lose his wife too. She was more than just his wife, she was his soul mate. They had both known it from the night they first met. They knew they were meant to be together, and even as Jess kissed him and whispered goodbye that night, Adam knew that it wasn't. Not really. He knew that whatever happened, their paths would cross again before either of their lifetimes were up.

Suddenly, Adam leapt to his feet. He couldn't lose Jessica, he just couldn't. He needed her to get through this, and knew that whatever she said, she needed him too. Neither could live without the other, especially not now the rope that had held the two together had been broken. They were both broken, they both needed healing and neither could do it without the other.

Without even picking up his jacket, Adam seized his car keys from the table in front of him where he had thrown them down after returning home earlier. He had to stop her, he had to go after her and make her come back to him. Even if she refused, at least he would have tried. If he didn't do this, he would only spend the rest of his existence wondering what could have been. Adam dashed into the hallway and quickly yanked open the door, prepared to run out of it and down the steps., but he was stopped dead in his tracks.

**

Jess said nothing as she watched Adam's shocked face taking in her presence. She didn't need to. All the words that needed to be spoken were voiced in the kiss that Jess placed on Adam's lips, stopping anything he had been going to say from being sounded. That kiss said more than either could have ever told each other, no matter how many more one night stands they had. It wasn't going to be easy. Getting through this would be hard on the both of them, nothing would be the same for a while, maybe not ever again. But both Adam and Jessica knew they had to try. When they were together, they were twice as strong. It was easy to knock down one things, but two joined together, fighting side by side and always looking out for the other, protecting each other, were almost indestructible. Adam may be a constant reminder of Harry, but that's what Jess needed. She needed someone to ensure that she would never forget her beautiful boy, someone who knew what she was going through, someone she could tell what she was feeling inside her without them laughing at her. And not just that, someone who would understand, someone who would always catch her when she fell and be there. Always. That someone for her was Adam.

**That was rather a long one shot. It's how I think it should have happened. Jess and Adam belong together. I actually ran up to my friend at break today and shrieked at her, she didn't even have to ask what I was on about, she just screamed back and we jumped up and down, yelling 'no!". Always the Drama Queens. **


End file.
